Fear of the Unknown..Appreciation of the Ordinary

As I look out the window, I see the remnants of a snow storm that blanketed the area just a few weeks ago and a topping of the few inches of fresh snow that fell last night.  Somehow we have been referred to as “the sweet spot” of many of the Nor’easters this year.  However, this storm was different we were spared “the sweet spot” label.

This morning, all appeared to be fine, roads were cleared, my husband and JJ cleared off the driveway and the cars, Bruiser played on our Kindle and Princess was in a trance in front of the TV………school was delayed but beyond the two extra hours…the morning ran fairly close to normal.  At 9:30 JJ headed to the bus stop.  While the twins were getting their snow gear on, I received a somewhat frantic call from my cousin who lives up the street.  She sounded flustered and wanted to know what number school bus our middle school kids were on.

There had been an accident between a school bus and a van.  The kids on the bus and the bus driver were fine…….the driver of the van was fine and there were some injuries to the two children in the van but they are expected to fully recover.

But just the next 15 minutes, were filled with such fear……..was JJ on that bus?  Couldn’t reach the school.  Couldn’t reach the transportation department.  The kids must have been so scared.  What was the driver of the van doing as patch.com said she was being cited.  Are the roads so bad that I should keep the twins home?

After about 15 minutes of fear, rationally I realized that had it been JJ’s bus, I would have received a call.  I soon was assured that the bus wasn’t JJ’s.  But, it really makes you realize how much you need to appreciate each and every day.

Regardless of the Origin of our Roots: Our Tree Reaches for the Same Sun

In a few weeks, I am going to attend a presentation on genealogy.  I have always wondered where my ancestors came from, what did they do for a living, and the overarching interest in finding out what tie there is between who I am now and my past.  I have been blessed to have had the benefit of grandparents who lived until their 80’s and 90’s and my husband’s dad is in his 90’s.  We have had conversations and learned of some of our family history but it isn’t enough.  I want to learn more.

However, this raises many feelings about what happens when my son and daughter start having similar interests.  We have some basic history on their birth parents…..on birth mom’s side, we know that there is a sister who, too, was adopted and now lives in California, a brother down in Texas, and a sister in Florida.  Our twins also have three nephews…one lives with his great-grandmother in Kentucky, one was placed with an adoptive family and the other lives with his mother (Bruiser & Princess’ sister).  We know that their birth mom lived in Las Vegas as of a year ago.  Their birth dad is a merchant marine based out of Florida and he has a son, who, also, calls Florida home.  Most of our twins’ birth family is geographically spread out and moves quite a bit.

I realize that the whole genealogy thing is hard for everyone……..constantly going down paths that lead to dead ends….but then one little piece of the puzzle connects to another, and another to yet another and so on.  I wonder when my twins will have the curiosity to seek out their genealogy.  Will it be in 10 years………will it be later?  What will their genealogy tree look like?

Far more complicated than ours……….but no less important and vital to their understanding of who they are.

Bruiser –you are my son.  Princess – you are my daughter.

Although you were not born from my belly,

Although your family tree will have a few more branches on it,

Although the roots may be a distance apart,

Our leaves reach up to the same sky, seek the same sunshine, and breathe the same air.

Twins–Independence from each other isn’t so easy

I am so happy I have my own room now…..but am I really?

Just a few weeks ago, we finished the transition of moving Bruiser into his own room (aka the office).  He was so excited to have his own room…….new bed, cool karate mural on his wall, many shelves and drawers to put all his “STUFF.”  Bruiser loved the whole idea of being given a room that he could call his own rather than sharing with his twin sister.

The big day comes……………the awesome captains bed is scheduled to arrive in a few days but Bruiser insists on staying in his new room with an air mattress.  He goes on an organizing binge: all his stuffed animals are arranged perfectly on his bed, the action figures are all poised to protect from attack, the books are in perfect order from smallest to biggest.  The clothes will wait until the captains bed arrives.

Well, with all the wonderful anticipation…………the transition was far from seamless.

Night #1:  Bruiser is out bed every 5 minutes.  First it is I need a drink, then I have to go to the bathroom, then I am going to help JJ clean his room, then I am going to see if Princess is ok in her room alone, then he comes in (11:30pm by this time) to tell us that although Princess is sleeping, he thinks that she is scared without him in her room.  So 3 hrs in new room and 8 hrs in old room.

Night #2: Big meeting between the twins………outcome is that Princess must sleep in new room with Bruiser for one night.  Well another late night of chit chat and giggling.

Night #3: Twins beg us to let Princess sleep in new room.  But at this point, we refuse to be persuaded or manipulated by two 6 yr. olds.  Bruiser in one room and Princess in the other.  Although the twins continued whining and moaning for 2 hrs.  protesting our insistence that each sleep in their respective rooms, we remained strong and stuck to our plan.  By 10:30pm, both were asleep.

Night #4: Bruiser’s new captains bed arrived and he carefully folded every piece of clothing and placed it in its’ precise place.  The organization process took at least 2 hours but it was finally done.  Bruiser went to sleep exhausted from figuring out where everything belonged.

Since then, Bruiser has not looked back.  He loves his new room.  Now….we just need to figure out what to do without our office.  But that will be a problem for another day.

Treasures Hidden in the Chaos: You never know what you will find

Well, our twins, Bruiser and Princess are turning 6 yrs old in a month, and it is time for us to have them in separate bedrooms.  It is easier said than done, considering there are no additional bedrooms in our home.  There was only one solution!  Move Bruiser into his 12 year old brother’s room………..

1)      Great way to deal with space issue

2)      Great way to separate boy/girl twins

3)      Great way to cause brotherly friction

4)      Great way to increase the opportunity for squabbles

5)      Great way to ruin JJ’s study environment

Guess that isn’t the best solution, or even a realistic one.

The other alternative would require relocation of our office partially to the kitchen and partially to the basement……..this is the way, begrudgingly, we decided to go.    What a pain to go through papers, files, and “stuff” that we accumulated over the past 12 years!  We found things including: computer diskettes (don’t even know how to see what is on these), cords that we have no idea what they go to, rolodex files (2 of them) with business cards from before the year 2000, bills dating back to 2004, highlighters and pens that haven’t probably worked in 10 years, multiple pads of paper and notebooks with less than 10 sheets of paper on them……….and the list goes on.

But then, my husband found our Adoption files.  Everything stopped.  Amongst the 10 bags filled with shredded paper, the stacks of books that we didn’t remember that we had, the vicariously balanced electronics, the bills from beyond, everything beyond the Adoption files were irrelevant…..my husband sat and looked at each file, piece by piece.

• The memories of the first time we met with our social worker.  The conversations came flooding back……….domestic or international adoption?  If international, what country?  If domestic, how?  Agency, Facilitator, Lawyer?  We had so little knowledge then.
• The memories of the constant contact with our social workers once we were matched.  I had saved every email between us and the social workers.  Reading through the emails, we remember the emotional rollercoaster that we rode.
• The receipts of my trip to visit my twins’ birth mom.
• The medical records, lawyer and agency contracts.
• A scribbled note on a piece of paper with the birth mom’s description of the “6 ft, blue eyed, ROTC” birth dad.  This was quite interesting because we ultimately met the birth dad.  (we are thankful to have met the birth dad who did have amazing blue eyes but the rest of her description was a bit off.)
• A ripped piece of scrap paper that I wrote the weight and height of each baby when they were born.  I remember getting the call…….I was standing outside my house packing our car to make our flight.  I grabbed a piece of paper from the floor of my car.
• Plus, so much more.

Surrounded by clutter and chaos, my husband was transported into a world of peaceful memories……..some of the best memories of our life.   It was like re-living the adoption experience over again, except this time we know how it will turn out.

These very special files will bypass the shredder………..but will need to find a new place in our home.  Where do they belong? I don’t know yet, but it will be somewhere worthy of these very important memories.

Adoption is Like Learning to Ride a Bike

Our oldest son, JJ, was a bit cautious when he first learned to ride a two-wheeler.  He started to learn the summer between 2^nd and 3^rd grade and had it down pat the middle of the next summer.  He was hesitant at first, took a few spills and called it quits after a month of off and on trials.  JJ wasn’t too anxious to try again the following summer but with some persuasion, he attempted it again.  And before long, he got the hang of riding and never looked back again.

Fast forward to Bruiser, nearing the end of pre-school (he was 5 ½ yrs old), begged for his training wheels to come off.  With slight hesitation, we complied.  He got on the bike and was shaky for all of one minute—within a month he is doing stunts that should clearly not be done by a 5 year old.  I swear he is going to give me a heart attack!  My mom won’t even allow him on his bike when she is over….she doesn’t have the nerves for it.

Fast forward to Princess, she is not as gutsy as her twin.  Princess was quite content on her Barbie bike with her pink training wheels (it is so girly—it is nauseating).  She showed no interest in trying a two wheeler.  She started to use her Razor most of the time and would take out her bike with training wheels every now and then.  We finally took her training wheels off…..but she wasn’t interested.  However, a few days ago, she got up on her bike and told us she wanted to learn to ride a two-wheeler.  We ran with her twice around the street……..she was a bit unbalanced and after a solid 10 minutes she put the bike away.  Two days later I was running out for a “date” with my husband to celebrate my (let’s just say 29^th) birthday, my mom was babysitting, when Princess grabs her bike and says “Nana, watch—-I can ride a two-wheeler!”  Before I had time to stop her, Princess took off on the bike; it was like she had been riding without training wheels for months.

Three kids……three different bike experiences.  Similarly, no two adoptions are alike.

Every adoption is a learning experience.

Mental state to take the leap of faith to jump in is different for everyone.

Patience is necessary.

Not every parent stays balanced through the challenge.

In the beginning, we have lots of “training wheels” helping us keep on a straight path.

We have limited time to hold on, teach our children how to keep balance in their lives (or on their bikes) but you eventually have to let go.

Over the past 5 ½ years, we appreciated our “training wheels,” and we continue to practice letting go as our children grow older.  JJ—we love how you take time until you feel totally confident that you will succeed.  Bruiser—we love your chutzpah and sense of adventure and just get it done attitude.  Princess—we love your style of waiting until you are good and ready to even try.

Who do you look like? Birth mom, Birth dad or ??

Last month, my twin’s birth dad had requested new pictures.  We hadn’t heard from him in four years.  Last month in my blog post, I shared my thoughts about his request and the questions that were flooding my mind.

His request had raised a mix of feelings:

-fear of whether he was regretting his choice to place the twins

-happy that he was interested and wanted to know about what and how the twins were doing

-reassurance to know that when the twins get older and their questions start to center around their birth parents, I will be able to tell them that their birth dad cared and wanted to know what was going on it their lives.

But in the end, it was the reassurance and happiness that led the way and trumped the fear.

To our surprise, Mike (birth dad), without being asked, forwarded a picture of himself with my son and daughters’ birth mom and a photo of him at work to show that he has been focused on getting his life on track.  I had wanted to ask him for pictures but was very hesitant…..scared that it would make him think that we may want a close relationship with him and his family.

When Princess and Bruiser came home from camp, we shared the pictures from Mike.  While sharing the pictures, my husband asked each of them who they thought they looked like. Princess quickly responded….”like my birth mom.”  She couldn’t be more right…..tall, skinny, blonde, blue eyes….a far cry from me…. short, chubby, brunette, with brown eyes.  However, Bruiser had a very different answer.  He confidently answered, “Daddy, I look just like you.”  With that said, Bruiser has a football player’s physique, blue-green eyes, and brown hair, while my husband is on the shorter side, blue eyes and blonde hair.

Well, when we walk down the street, we are often told how the twins look just like us.  We hear this, we smile and say, “Yes they do.”

Will Nana Love Me? Forever, and Ever and Always

Saturday will be a bittersweet day…………we will remember a special birthday….a birthday that will be treated very differently in 2012 than it had been in the past.  This day we will honor my husband’s mom who passed away earlier this year.  With her birthday around the corner, Nana June is the catalyst for my topic this week about the grandparent/ grandchild relationship and whether adoption plays a part in this relationship.

This post will speak of a few different grandparent relationships…………….

Grandparent Who Lives Far Away:  Nana June, who passed away earlier this year, lived 3,000 miles away but always took the time to develop a relationship with the twins.  Her smile, her laugh, her small talk… all were very comforting to the kids.  When we visited the west coast, our twins were sometimes a bit shy at first……….but once they warmed up to my in-laws, they would hug and cuddle with their Nana and Pop-Pop. There was no difference in how our adopted twins were treated, loved or spoiled.   Bruiser and Princess were treated the same as every  other grandchild.  Adoption played absolutely no part in this wonderful relationship.

Great-Nana Opinions From an Earlier Generation: Nana Lee (great-grandmother) passed away three years ago.  I remember when we got the call that the child that we were adopting was now “twins”……I remember being scared to death that Nana Lee would lecture us…..that there was no way we could adopt twins.  It would be “too much” for us.  I couldn’t have been more wrong.  I remember the conversation as clear as day………adoption was never even mentioned, Nana was so happy she never thought she would have “twins”.  From that day on, the “twins” were her “twins.”  She considered them “her twins” not her “adopted” grandchildren……just “her twins” and whether she knew you or not, she told you about “her twins.”  Adoption played absolutely no part in this wonderful relationship.

Grandma Who They Never Knew:   Less than five months after Grandma Deanna passed, we were matched and just a few months later, the twins were born.  Grandma would have loved Bruiser and Princess….so sad that she never got to meet them.  Princess’ middle name is an honor to her Grandma’s memory….and Princess’ mere presence played a vital part in helping heal the pain that Grandpa had. Adoption would have played absolutely no part in this spiritually-based wonderful relationship.

Grandmother Who Is Biologically Connected:  When the twins were born, we were blessed to meet their birth dad’s mom, their birth-grandmother.   She was a loving woman who worked through the confusing feelings that one would expect her to have.  She visited the hospital and held and hugged the twins with the knowledge that her future relationship with the twins would most likely be limited to the pictures that her son chose to share with her.  Their birth grandmother looked lovingly into their eyes before handing Princess and Bruiser back to us in the hospital.  The adoption plan did not change the love that she felt for the twins.

Nana Dorothy Who They See All the Time:  Nana sees the kids three or four times a week.  She speaks to them once or twice a day.  As you can imagine, the fact that the twins are adopted plays absolutely no role in the relationship with Nana Dorothy.  She loves them, spoils them and can’t get enough of Princess and Bruiser…………….the exact same way she feels about her other three grandchildren.

The book by Nancy Tafuri, I Love You, Little One says it best when she describes how love comes in many different ways, by different people………….but love is everlasting, regardless.

“I love you as the stars love you, constant and bright above you, giving you joy and peace and wonder.  I love you as the stars love you, forever, and ever, and always,” Ms. Tafuri closes the story.  Whether a nana, grandma, or grandmother………whether the child is adopted or biological……no matter the length of time together…..the love is there forever, and ever, always.

Photos: Forward to Birth Dad

Dear Birth Dad (MA),

It has been almost six years since you chose us to be the parents of the twins.   As in many adoptions, we sent pictures via our lawyer’s office every few months for the first year but then after a while stopped since the attorney couldn’t locate you and the pictures and letters were just tucked away in a manila folder in a file cabinet.

Thursday afternoon, our social worker and friend, ML, called and let us know that you had contacted her.  We were so happy to hear that you are doing well and feel that you are in a much better place.  I am so thrilled that the twins will know that their birth father cares about how they are.   I can only imagine the courage that it took for you to make the call to ML and ask for the pictures.  We hope that the note and photographs that we send will bring comfort and joy, in knowing that the twins are happy, healthy and enjoying a wonderful childhood.

***********************************************

NOTE TO SELF

-Do I send the best pictures of the kids or do I want to make sure they are more ordinary pictures? 

 -When we originally met MA, we met his mom too and learned that he had a teenage son.  Do I ask about his son?  Do I ask how his mother is?  Or is this making it appear as though we want to embrace his family?  Am I overthinking this…………and is it appropriate to ask? 

-I don’t have much information about MA’s  family.  Do I take the opportunity to ask so that I can share with Bruiser and Princess?  Do I ask for a picture of his son?  I have a picture of the birth mom’s daughter and grandson but nothing of his son. 

-I don’t know how much information our twins will want when they get older.  Would they want to have pictures of  MA’s son – their brother?
****************************************************

Thanks for asking about the kids and taking the interest in how they are doing.  We are truly grateful that we can share with the twins that you have a place for them in your heart.

Our best,

Bruiser & Princess’ Mom & Dad

The Worry Factor: Finding my place on the scale

Why do we worry?

Often I find that being a parent increases your “Worry Factor” three-fold and I worry that my emotions may be following suit.

The History:

My grandmother used to worry constantly……I vowed never to be like that.  My mother worries to a lesser degree or at least appears to.  I don’t think my father worries…but my father-in-law probably worries enough for both of them.  My husband tends to worry but has mellowed out in his years.  My sons worry, the dog worries……my daughter doesn’t.  Now it comes to me…………I fall somewhere in the middle but am trending upward in my “Worry Factor” as I get older contrary to my vow never to head in that direction.

When is the “Worry Factor” in a healthy zone?  When is the “Worry Factor” too high? 

As I sat down to think about what to blog about, I decided to explore the “worry factor.” I found that Dr. Edward Hallowell, psychiatrist and author of Worry, claims that worry can serve a productive function but can turn toxic when the worry overwhelms and paralyzes you.  Good worry or as I am referring to as a low “worry factor” leads you to constructive action with appropriate attention to risk and danger.   Unfortunately, I am beginning to dabble in this toxic worry.

My “Worry Factor:

As I mentioned, I typically fall into the mid-low range on the “Worry Factor” scale.  But I did find myself in a situation this week that is a bit too similar to something that I could see my grandmother doing.

So the background to the story is that my son, JJ, is a high honors student—consistently doing well in school, actually awesome.  We couldn’t be any more proud.  His teachers are especially impressed with his ability to write.  Well, the “Worry Factor” went into overdrive this week when I started to think about the time he spent working on his papers.  He was spending hours, upon hours each night with his writing assignments, often staying up until 11:30 before he put his pen down or shut off his computer.  As a concerned mother, I started to question whether he was taking too long?  Would his grades on the Massachusetts standardized tests be negatively impacted by the length of time he takes to process his thoughts?  Is he being too much of a perfectionist?  And you can imagine the tidal wave of “worry” that overcame me!  So without delay, I immediately sent a note to his teacher describing my concerns.

Within less than an hour I received a beautifully crafted response from his teacher and the two school reading specialists that explained how middle school is a time for kids to perfect their writing, not a time to worry about how long it takes them.  His English teacher further explained how she always reads JJ’s papers last since he is such an exceptional writer.  She says that by saving his for last, every writing assignment ends on a positive note.  She further noted that she thinks that JJ should consider being a writer because of his innate talent with the written word.  Her positive comments went on and on.  The reading specialists keyed in with more positive things to say about his writing.  Wow!!

Ok….so my “Worry Factor” about the amount of time JJ spends on writing is back in check.  I have come to accept that he is a perfectionist, but that is ok!

But now, my “Worry Factor” is sky-high with concern that his teacher thinks I am a total crazy mother who has too much time on her hands and is creating issues to worry about.  I can just imagine the side conversations that they are having about the lunatic who is worried about her son who consistently receives the highest grade in the class on every writing assignment.

“Worry Factor” –goal is to have it decrease before the next teacher conference.

Remembering Remarkable Moments of Our Adoption Journey

Remembering the call………….”We have found a match for you.  The birth mom would like to talk with you tomorrow!”

Remembering the anxiety…..Tomorrow came with much anticipation and fear but then the phone rang.  Talking to the birth mom was easier than I could have ever expected.  Our call lasted about 30 minutes.  I was so relieved to speak with her………she seemed intelligent, kind, loving and really vested in finding the best situation for the child she was carrying.  It was actually like talking to someone that I had known for a long time but just hadn’t kept in touch with.  All the anxiety that my husband and I had felt was really unnecessary.  This was the first of many calls that we would have over the next few months.

Remembering the day………….Our social worker called about a month after our match and two months before the due date.  “I need you to sit down,” she said.  “Call your husband and have him lay down.”  My heart sunk into my stomach although our social worked insisted that it was nothing bad.  But what was I to think as I leaned back in my office chair looking out at Boston Harbor and dialing my husband work phone.  Once he was on the phone, the bombshell was dropped.  Our social worker informed us, “There is a possibility it is twins but we aren’t sure.  Often after multiple pregnancies, a woman will appear bigger than in her prior pregnancies.  No need to worry, but I felt I should let you know of the possibility!”  Thankfully, my husband was lying down otherwise he may have fainted.

Remembering the panic………Immediately upon hanging up with our social worker, my husband called in a panic, “How can we adopt twins?  Is there room in the house?  How will our oldest feel about it?  Do we have the energy to raise twins? We can always wait for another match.”  I tried to rationalize with him and get him to work through the fear insisting that it was the same shock and fear that any dad who just heard that he might be having twins would go through. My husband then proclaimed, “Let’s ask JJ and see what he thinks.”  Pretty crazy idea that I was not going to give my buy-in on.

Remembering the conversation….Although I was 150% against asking my oldest what he thought about the idea of twins, especially since we didn’t know for sure, my husband couldn’t help himself and asked anyway.  He blurted out as we were heading back home from dinner, “What do you think if we adopted twins….2 sisters?”  Well, without skipping a beat, JJ responded, “I would rather have a brother and sister instead of 2 sisters.”  His answer was enough to calm my husband down and open his mind to the idea of twins.

Remembering the confirmation….The birth mom called me a few days later and confirmed, “I am pregnant with twins.”  However, there was fear in her voice.  She was scared that we would call the adoption off since we had been expecting only one baby.    Thankfully, we were all on the same page, after my husband’s conversation with JJ.  We assured the birth mom that we were thrilled with the idea of twins and we would not consider backing out of the adoption.

Remembering the doctor’s voice….A few weeks later, I jumped on a plane to meet the birth mom and go with her for the next ultrasound.  Within a few moments of seeing the image, it was confirmed that Baby A was a girl and Baby B was a boy.  JJ will have the siblings that he was hoping for.

Remembering the frantic voice….It was a Thursday morning, half way to work, I got the call from the birth dad, “She is in labor.  We are headed to the hospital.”  OMG….we were about to be the parents of twins.  Immediately calling my husband, we both headed back home to work through the logistics of booking flights, finding hotel, arranging for my mom to come to our house to stay with JJ, going to school to tell JJ, and so much more.”  This was probably the most hectic time in our lives but beautifully orchestrated if I must say so.

Remembering the magical moments….

10:30 am – we received the call that the twins were born and were healthy.

10:30pm-we walked into a Florida hospital room and laid our eyes on our twins, so beautiful, so sweet and magical additions to our family.